Tomorrow makes 46. Born just five days before Christmas, I was sent home from the hospital in a stocking and my parents lovingly placed me under the tree. I was their only Christmas present that year.
I have always felt like a gift to them. And I thank them for that.
But I'm not gonna lie. 46 feels exactly like I'm slilding into 50 and there's no doubt I've been going through a mid-life crisis.
And I don't care if 50 is the new 40 I still wake up in the middle of the night with my pulse racing in the dead center of a panicky feeling that it's really much later than I think. And I know I've said it before, but it's a feeling that grips me like ice in my chest--a reminder that I need to be doing more.
Reading more. Writing more. Creating more. Contributing more. Mattering more.
Enjoying more.
I have taken some such measures. Going part-time in May was a huge step towards meaning more in my private life while still feeling like I matter in my professional one.
I'm paying more attention to my body so that with each passing year I will age better than I did the last. To a point, that is. I realize this.
Accepting that it's OK to embrace my life post-megamom and to really accept that the best way to love my daughters is to let them fly away into the sun.
Nope. Not q-u-i-t-e there yet.
And like those who have slid into 50 before me, I'm starting to take on attitudes that I wouldn't have considered in the past.
The biggest change? Letting go of things I can't control. Setting down the worry. After 23 long years of parenting--4 1/2 of which I did on my own-- it's time to start freaking out less. I mean seriously. How about not feeling completely responsbile for every last event, situation, or emotion? Seriously.
Remembering that it's enough to be responsible for myself. On the best of days.
Luxuriating in the idea that I only have to be responsible for myself--and that those are, indeed, the best of days.
Recognizing that I'm still sorting out my toxic childhood, as I knew I always would--some new light being shed just in these past weeks. It had always been there, I just hadn't put the pieces together, quite.
And maybe it's way past time to be finished with all of that business anyway.
In favor of spending more time discovering, investigating, giving.
Setting down my fears in favor of yoga, volunteering, running.
Changing myself from the inside out so that the idea of a tropical vacation with my husband in February brings a twinkle to my eye and a lilt in my step, even when considering the fact that I'll be in a swimsuit.
In public.
46? I think I'm gonna love you.
Love it! I hope your birthday is as wonderful as this post! :)
Posted by: Sherry | December 19, 2009 at 04:05 PM
Cath, Try to add this-- that you matter immensely no matter how much you do, create or contribute. You are a divine being and you are already of infinite worth. I think I speak for all who love you.
Mariann
Posted by: mariann | December 19, 2009 at 04:36 PM
Happy 46th Birthday, Catherine. You are one of the most mentally healthy people that I know.
I liked the part where you are only going to be in charge of yourself and what you can control. I am better at doing this as I get older.
Posted by: Marilyn Moore | December 19, 2009 at 10:20 PM
Happy birthday tomorrow :)
I love December birthdays, mine is on Monday.
Posted by: Daniela | December 19, 2009 at 11:05 PM
Happy Birthday Cath!!! I hope you have a wonderful day. I'm ten years behind you, but I'm already feeling those feelings you're having, trying to do more, matter more, all that stuff. My kids are younger than yours, so I'm not letting go of any responsibility just yet, but it aches my heart that one day they'll be off on their own and I won't be there. I want the next ten years to go as slow as possible, and I'm trying to help them grow the best wings possible :) But back to your birthday... remember that no matter what you do from now, you will always matter. You have touched the hearts of many people around the world! Have a wonderful birthday!!!
Posted by: Rachel Greig | December 20, 2009 at 12:27 AM
Happy 46th Birthday!
I love your outlook...your take...; you are truly an inspiration. I still have a hard time admitting that I am {gasp} 39 - but truly there are things that are so good...so right....and it makes age only a number. Congratulations on your processes and the way you have come to accept and think about and go so far as to implement change in your life.
Best wishes for a year full of health, happiness and fantastic memories.
Posted by: Michelle in Boise | December 20, 2009 at 01:54 PM
46 huh.....geez I hope I look that good at 46! You look the same to me as you did in 9th grade! You positive outlook is catching, after reading your post I feel invigorated and motivated. Thank you!
Have a Happy Christmas!
Posted by: Aubrey | December 20, 2009 at 05:40 PM
Pulse racing and a panicky feeling in the middle of the night??? Just might be a "hot flash"!!!
Hope your birthday was wonderful and as truly enjoyable as you are!
Posted by: jo | December 21, 2009 at 07:23 AM
It sounds like your birthday has gotten you into the contemplative mood that I always associate with New Year's Eve. You are identifying some paths you want to travel and doing the "hard work" to begin the journey -- Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!!
Posted by: Laura | December 21, 2009 at 02:06 PM
Cath,
This should make you feel better: I'm 47! There, did it work? I loved your honesty. I'm looking forward to being an empty nester--don't relate to women who have perfect kids and mom wants them never to leave...I worry like crazy, but because I have GOOD reason to worry. I'm trying to give up the worrying, and am fairly successful so far. Hope you have a great birthday, and a great trip with your hubby!!
Posted by: Sharon Gullikson | December 21, 2009 at 05:41 PM
Turning 45 myself this year I have an understanding of what you are feeling. Seems a little scarier to me than 50 right now. But I like you have been not letting the little things i have no control over bother me and I seem to be happier! I hope that you had a wonderful birthday!
The poem for your daughter on the last post brought tears to my eyes! Just Beautiful!
Posted by: wendy myers | December 22, 2009 at 09:31 AM
Happy Birthday Cath and wishing you and yours a very merry christmas from very snowy Scotland...big hugs kath & buddy xxxx
Posted by: kath | December 24, 2009 at 09:54 AM
Gosh, you made me feel a lot better about 30 because truthfully I've been FREAKING out about it. What is it about getting older than scares us so much? We should celebrate it! And hope you did! Big belated birthday hugs!
Posted by: Travelingmama | December 25, 2009 at 04:38 PM
Happy belated birthday Cath! It sounds like you are on a great path and are exactly where you need to be. I am 51 years old and have recently lost my job, but am fortunate enough that my household doesn't "need" me to work. I think I have become more valuable at home and enjoying every minute!
Posted by: chriss blagrave | December 25, 2009 at 05:39 PM
Great post. I so relate except that I'm past your age but with a 15 year old. :/ I know that "this too shall pass" (Helen Steiner Rice) and one day I will look back and say "yeaaa, I made it"! But for now....(grrrrrrrr) and thank goodness for blogland and crafting! :)
PS. 50 isn't so bad... ;)
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