Anything

Nicole & Beccah at Arches National Park, circa 1991

I cooked for the family today. Linguini with shrimp scampi, Caesar salad, toasted rosemary bread, New York cheesecake.

It has been a while since we all got together, just the five of us. Barty the boyfriend feels just like family now. And even though Beccah is living here, we rarely see her.

It's amazing how we just ease back into the familiar family banter. Not much of substance was discussed, old roles were quickly established, and laughter promptly ensued.

I watched, mostly, as Mark's special silliness for his girls spilled over, Beccah's many voices filled the room, Nicole's wit tickled us, and Barty interjected a quick quip just when you thought he'd given up listening.

And as they were leaving, I had to leave the room, the tears welling up inside me--how lonely I am without the energy of my children. How much I miss having their lives fill mine. How much I miss their laughter. Having the sense that even though we're all in the same room together, I miss having them near me all the time.

Will this keep happening? Will it keep bowling me over at the least expected moments?

And while I'll be the first to admit I enjoy the quiet their absence provides, some days I'd just give anything to have them back, to turn back the hands of time and visit those precious moments of them needing me when they're frightened, wanting to be held, driving them to this or that activity, reading them a story, helping them with their homework, listening to them practice, doing their hair, singing them a lullaby, cradling them in my arms.

Anything.

Comments

[Karen Hill]

I know.

[Dawn McVey (dawnsing)]

Big hugs, sweet friend. I have nothing to say that will help, but just wanted to give you a 'hug'. :)

Hope your Monday is a bright one.

[Becky]

I had to leave my girls and husband for four days this weekend to sing. It was the worst four days of my life. When I got home, I was exhausted, but my kids just hugged me and wouldn't let me go. I will never forget that for as long as I live. That was a taste of what will be to come, and I hated it. Sending hugs to you.

[Marilyn Moore]

This post is so sweet, Catherine. I totally relate.

[Barbara Spencer]

Last year at this time, our family was all together, for my birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and even Easter, best birthday I have ever had. The goodbyes are difficult, but it's great knowing that they have each turned into their OWN person, and although the goodbyes are difficult, the hellos are even sweeter, and the time in between is MY person time.

[Sandra]

Thank you for sharing. I know I die a little every time my daughter has to spend the weekend with her father. I'm terrified of when she grows up.