We've experienced the tilt. The noticeable shift that causes the sun to shine on us from a different angle, rising farther south in the east and setting even farther south in the west. The light feels more filtered, less yellow and more white, and there is definitely a chill in the air as evening seeps in and morning comes new again. The school busses have resumed their routines, picking up unwilling high school and junior high students at the corner across the street at precisely 6:46 and 7:08 respectively.
My friends who have children mostly have kids much younger than mine. I've been hearing about my niece who just started middle school and the happy transition that that has been, and at our recent Editorial Board meeting my Paper Crafts peeps have been talking about how glad they are that their kids are back in the saddle, except for Melissa, who is adjusting to her one-and-only going to kindergarten. It does get a little easier for her, but only day by day.
With my oldest having graduated from college, she's completely out of the system now, a fact that feels alien to both of us. Beccah started her sophomore year at the University of Utah with a new apartment, new roommates, and a new emphasis. Last year she was majoring in art, this year she'd decided to focus on photography and art history.
But after two days of classes, marching band camp and a new piccolo behind her, she's experienced a tilt as well, informing us that she's going to give school a break for a while. She's not motivated, not interested, and not sure that school is where she should be right now. What's the point in wasting her time and our money in these circumstances?
It was a very difficult conversation for us to have. Hard for her to tell me, and very hard for me to listen. Without freaking out, that is.
Of course it was. I've been grooming my children since birth to follow the path that would lead them to a college degree. Having finished college myself, I know what a fabulous opportunity it was for my well-being, for my ability to earn a living, and for the experiences it gave me through learning and self-discovery that have caused me to grow tremendously as an individual.
And where would I have been when my then-husband left, leaving me to support my 4- and 2-year-old daughters if I had not been able to secure a teaching job that offered not just a reliable salary, but much-needed benefits? In a world where women have many choices as to how to channel their lives (career woman, stay-at-home mom, roller derby player), a college degree is like an insurance policy in case the unthinkable happens to your spouse. And I'm living proof that the unthinkable does, indeed, happen to your spouse.
Disappointment. Sadness. An overwhelming fear that she won't go back. Uncertainty for her future. The feeling that it is such a waste because she's one of the smartest, most talented individuals I know, causing me to wake up in the middle of the night with a start, worrying for what lay ahead.
That's the emotional side of me.
The rational side of me knows that you don't have to have a college degree to be happy in life. You don't even have to have a college degree to be successful in life. Each of us needs to choose the path that feels right for us at the time and for a 19-year-old this is the most important component of independence. You've got to be making these decisions for yourself.
And who ever had the grand idea that we should be making such colossal decisions about our lives at such a relatively tender age anyway? For those of us with college degrees, how many of us are actually working in the field in which we were trained? I'm not, for one. And if life is a progression, a series of choices that gets us from point A to point B, why not explore the options that make sense to us along the way? Who says that it's a straight line because I'm pretty sure it's a freakishly crooked, gnarly, gangly line with a multitude of adventures between then and now.
And so, while I am sad that college is not where she wants to be right now, I respect her decision to make her own way. I'm actually proud that she's listening so closely to her own personal "tilt."
In her blog posting on this very topic, Beccah says,
I guess it took me a while to realize what my life's become, because it's not anything like I planned. Life never is. Expectations often lead you to the dead end of disappointment. So, when I have kids, I'm not going to ask them what they want to be when they grow up, or what they're plans are, I'll ask them if they're prepared to be surprised. I know I've never been one to follow the map my parents so graciously layed out for me, but I wouldn't be me if I didn't listen to my inner self and do whatever it takes to make myself happy.
Prepare to be surprised. That is about the size of it. Now there's a true bit of wisdom.
Know that I love you, Beccah.
Do whatever it is that makes you the most happy, with my, with our, blessing.
And when you've taken the time to discover what that truly is, something amazing, I'm sure, we'll all prepare to be surprised, very pleasantly and wonderfully surprised.
This is an insightful post. I disappointed my parents when I dropped out of college to get married. Other than feeling guilty that I dashed their hopes for me, I have never regretted my decision. Even though I don't have a degree, I HAVE continued to learn, and that's what I think is important. Choices are usually between good things, and everyone has to pass by some opportunities to take advantage of others.
There was such a pull inside me to please my parents, and also be true to what I wanted for myself. It would have been easier if I hadn't had to choose between them. Your daughter is lucky to know she has your trust and support whatever she decides to do.
Posted by: travelinoma | September 09, 2008 at 03:27 AM
You are such a good mom Cath. She will be fine....it takes some of us longer and down more paths than the rest to finally figure out how important education is. You are doing just what you should and that is encouraging her while being loving and supportive at the same time. My sweet dad approached things with me this very same way---not that I didn't want a degree....but, sometimes life became bigger than getting the education I needed. Anyway, at age ummmm....25, I finally received my diploma and everything he said all rang true---such a sense of accomplishment and the feeling the I could finally just breath a bit easier knowing that something so important had been achieved. It will happen for her.
sniff...sniff....miss ya :)
Melis
Posted by: Melissa | September 09, 2008 at 09:58 AM
Thanks mom, I know it's hard for you, and I know you worry about me, but I really appreciate all this support you and Mark have given me in all my decisions. (ps, I love the pics you put up there, they just make me want to go to New Hampshire even more than I did before...) But Melis is right, you are a great mom! Love you!
Posted by: Beccah | September 09, 2008 at 10:45 AM
THIS IS THE GREATEST POST I THINK I HAVE EVER READ!
PREPARE TO BE SURPRISED! What a wonderful way of putting it! What a wonderful burden of other people's dreams for you lifted off your shoulders so you can dream for yourself and make unexpected dreams for everyone, including yourself come true! I remember when I was Beccah's age like it was yesterday. It was a big year in my life. A music student in a competitive conservatory studying not one, but two instruments. the pressure, the love, the passion, the drive. A new love in my life, one who would not become my husband but would be with me for four years. The world is so big at that age, and it can get pretty small very fast. Take your time to keep it big for a while!! Drink it up!! I will now tell my daughter's this very thing. This was wonderful!
Posted by: Becky | September 09, 2008 at 12:03 PM
What a wonderful post about your daughter! She is lucky to have a mom such as you! It's difficult to know what you want to do at such a young age...I didn't know what I wanted to do either. I'm sure she will find the way to something she wants to do and will be successful in whatever that may be!
Hugs,
Danielle
Posted by: Danielle | September 09, 2008 at 01:15 PM
Aw Cath. From Life to Literature. Again, I just love you. And Beccah and Nicole and Mark. And Scout for that matter! *sniff*
missing you...
Posted by: Miss Pat | September 09, 2008 at 03:54 PM
Catherine,
I so identify with your post about your daughter not wanting to continue with college at this point. I went through it, and it was also very hard for me for many of the same reasons you gave. My daughter never did finish college and doesn't seem motivated now to finish. She is a dear girl, and she is very sensitive and thoughtful. She has many qualities I admire, but one of them is not a drive to achieve like I and my other daughter have had.
Marilyn
Posted by: Marilyn Moore | September 09, 2008 at 05:06 PM
I've always thought the most important thing parents can teach their kids is to honestly be who they are and to fearlessly follow that voice inside them that tells them what their unique path is. It's not always safe - sometimes it's down-right terrifying - but it's essential. Because in the end, it's the only way that they can live life to the fullest, pursue their dreams, and give the gift to the world that only they can give: their unique selves. Thanks for teaching your daughter that and for not standing in her way when she did it. As someone who had a hard time finding, let alone listening to, her own voice for a large part of her life, I honestly think more parents need to be like you.
Posted by: Jennafer | September 09, 2008 at 11:43 PM
Lots of great things to think about...I think "prepare to be surprised" is good advice for everyone - life is never predictable, is it? I guess that would be pretty boring. I give your daughter credit for having the courage to try a different path...and maybe when/if she does decide to go back, it will have a lot more meaning and she will get much more out of it. When I look back at college, sometimes I wish I could take some of those classes now...I remember choosing classes based on things like when they met (later in the a.m., the better), how many days a week (Fridays off were always a plus), or how many papers we had to write (the fewer, the better). That is what I chose at 18...I know if I had a bit more life under my belt, my choices would have been different. I know your daughter will have a great life and that you'll be there to support her wherever her path takes her.
Posted by: Alice | September 10, 2008 at 11:18 AM