One Crazy Mixed Up Kind of Day

Had myself a coupla good cries today.

The first after having built up inside me for weeks now, weeks and weeks of build-up not being able to talk about it with anyone outside my team at work and now it's real, real that my boss, Stacy, has stepped down from her position as editor-in-chief, my friend, pal, and confidante is gone, has been gone for over a month now. We announced it today finally the cat's out of the bag though we could talk about it if someone asked us, but we had to wait for them to ask us, and you know me, I don't deal with much of anything until I write about it and so when I write all those farewell blogs about the friends and pals and coworkers that go away and move on with their lives, that's when it hits me.

POW like a ton of bricks, no really, like a freakin' ton of bricks POW it hits and I'm usually in the office of all places, because I'm writing the "eulogy" in the office, in my cube where everyone passes by and chats over and above the walls words swirling in the upper ceiling spaces wafting around my head and my ears, and they touch me making their presence known saying you are not alone here, Cath, and I'm crying because that's what I do that's what I always do is cry but there's nothing worse than tearing up in the office for heaven's sake.

And so today I sent out an e-mail blast to everyone on our manufacturer's and designer's lists and posted a blog on the Paper Crafts website about my friend Stacy and how she doesn't work here anymore.

Except she does, working on the other side of the building with a different team, the events team, and I'm sad that she's not bringing her bright light to our team anymore and jealous I know, a 44-year-old woman jealous that she's eating lunch with those other girls who are pretty lucky to get her even so.

And so I came home to write my Moxie Fabs article for January/February in the peace and quiet of my living room without all the words above the walls swirling in the upper ceiling spaces wafting around my head and my ears, noticing the stomach ache that had been growing like a knife in my gut all afternoon realizing how much I just miss having a boss who would listen to everything not just work stuff and how much Stacy and I had in common in our childhoods and families and missing seeing my friend every day. Letting out weeks and weeks of grief building up to the point where I just couldn't stop the crying. And I'm thinking hey you this kind of stuff happens every day people come and go and move around and jeez what is up with you?

Knowing that even though we tell ourselves she's just on the other side of the building--I'm just a few cubes away--my office is just 30 yards from yours--it's never the same and for someone who forms pretty intense attachments and has balked at change her entire life wow it's just hard when people you really care about aren't the force in your life that they used to be. Jennafer. Megan.

My dad. Out of left field that came like a comet accelerating through me which brought on more convulsive tears when I suddenly remembered that today is August 5th the day he did himself in here it comes that August 5th ton of bricks POW the fifteenth anniversary of his death and I'm thinking hello! you always think you're going to be able to push it aside and true some years it's not as big of a deal as others but not this big fat anniversary of fifteen years still dead and hello! that's probably what's been in the back of your mind all day all week all months and you put Stacy and all the changes at work and life on top of that and yeah you're going to cry like a baby. But seriously even still not knowing where that came from 'cause it was fifteen years ago and then it hits me that's exactly why.

No wonder I'm so upset.

No wonder.

Which makes me wonder, in point of fact, if difficult anniversaries like this affect you? Do they come on suddenly without warning like they tend to do with me? Or do they wander in gradually, whispering to you softly, touching you gently, urging you to pay attention to them? Or do you honor these anniversaries officially, warding off any surprises? And most importantly, how do you handle it? Do you grieve alone? Do you call a friend? Do you plan a gathering knowing you're going to have a difficult day? Because sometimes I think that if I just paid more attention to my feelings and tried to anticipate them better, I wouldn't feel so side-swiped. But then again, that could be just a meager attempt to control things that are beyond my control.

What is your approach? I'd love to hear...but also learn.

Thanks for listening. I feel much, much better! :)

Comments

[travelinoma]

I love the last paragraph of this post. I have memories that wander in unexpectedly, and others that just jump out at me like a ghost in a quiet hallway. I've found myself sobbing in my car after a surprise thought of my mother (she's been dead almost 11 years) and I wonder where all the emotion was hiding.

[Becky]

I think when you think back on tragic memories and heartache it is never easy. I think I have found through life that forgiveness is the key to it all. When you have never truly forgiven or been forgiven, you don't really know how to go through all of the painful steps, but once you do, it is the best tool in life. The forgiving of your Father's act, the forgiveness of any resentment and sadness towards the "loss" of a friend, even though she is just across the way. Those little sadnesses can build into resentments making it harder to forgive the consequences from the little to the big happenings in life. The forgiveness slowly takes the sting away from it all, even though the "ton of bricks" moments will always blind side us now and again, forgiveness takes the place of imperfect humanity. {hugs}

[Rachel Greig]

Wow Cath, it's understandable why you'd be having a hard day today.

Today is the 6th here, and about lunch time I realized it's the 10th anniversary of my father-in-laws death. He died only 6 weeks before I married his son. I always tend to remember the 6th, but I don't prepare for it. It tends to hit me like a ton of bricks too. I have no idea how you could prepare for it - I sometimes think if you 'expected' to be sad for the whole day, then you will be. But if you let it creep up on you, then whatever emotion comes out is true and heartfelt, no matter if it's sadness for who's gone, or perhaps happiness to celebrate the person you once knew. I don't know, it's hard.

As for Stacy, that's worth crying about too :) She'll be missed!

[Dawn McVey (dawnsing)]

Oh Cath, I'm so sorry that yesterday was such a hard day for you. I'll be praying for you, that today will be a better day and that those difficult anniversaries that you face will become easier, and will become a great opportunity for you to celebrate those lives and the time you shared, rather than to be sad about their being gone.

[Melissa]

Hi Cath,
Just thinking about you and wanted you to know. I think it is so sweet that you have the type of connections with these special people that you do---that is so important, and it does leave a hole when things change and they aren't where they always have been and should remain---I am the same way and always have the hardest time picking up and moving on when they are so important to me. I think you're wonderful and anyone would be so lucky to have you as their friend---you are as loyal and loving as they come and I wish we could all have a friend like you.
Hope you have a better day today.
Melis

[Stefanie Hamilton]

Oh Cath, I'm so sorry about all of this. I don't have any words of wisdom, but I wanted you to know that we all care about you and we're with you.

[Jennafer M]

My friend Ann always says grief has "pockets" - you'll be trotting along, feeling fine, and then all of a sudden you hit a pocket and that sadness hits you out of no where... It is so true. I think the more deep the pain, the more pockets tend to be a bit intense. Hugs to you and lots of warmth. And I'm always here to talk if you need an ear...

[susan stringfellow]

Cath - I read your story and I am very glad to know that I am not alone in that kind of a feeling. I am about to hit the anniv of losing my dad too, and because of the sudden shock and other events around it, I sometimes have a time like you are encountering. It's all of it rolled into one big ball of discomfort. Four years seems like 20 and yesterday at the same time.

You are lucky to have such a great circle of friends in your workplace so that you miss them rather than wanting to throw a party. LOL!
Hugs my friend!
suz

[Stephanie]

Cathy,

I just came upon your blog through Nichole Heady's over at Papertrey Ink. I know exactly what you are going through. I too have lost someone to suicide - my son. He was 14 years old and it has only been two years. I am at a loss for what to do when the date comes around, I usually take a few minutes in the morning, bury my head in my pillow and scream out loud. Then I crawl to the shower and cry for a while. By then I am ready to face what they day has in store for me. For the past two years, our family and close friends all gather at his favorite restaurant "Cheesecake Factory" and share a meal and of course dessert. Everyone brings a favorite memory of Logan that I have made into a memory book. Funny that I usually can find a picture in the milk crate stash that I could never seem to scrap when he was with us to go along with a few of the memories. And as of yet, all the memories have been different. But the weight of the day approaches heavy and I don't see that ever changing. Please know that you are in my thoughts.